I just wanna post that this is bullshit.

Ya know what. I miss my friend Ben Barfoot. And nothing can bring him back, and I am so fucking angry about that. And at him. And at it all. And I'm pissed at his ass for leaving and, well, making it so that I put him in this place in my universe that I wanna discuss these ridiculous things going on….and I feel that with his apt summations, he would get the humor and the gist of it all…and in the end, as was protocol with Ben…, I wouldn't feel so very alone. As I do now.

Do not get me wrong. I know I hold him in a certain place of expectation, but well, once you are completely alone in a place that on midnight you arrive, September 11th happens….and he keeps you company and is the only feeling of safe that you can possibly feel…..that holds a lot of weight for this girl.

Something about driving by Camelot Music er whatever the hell it was called maybe at the same time Greg Folkes was also there ….on McGhee road (across from Mgm Mall), when I was maybe 17 and would drive by and see(or not see) his brown pick up truck. Even typing this on my totally inane blog lessens it.

Remember that feeling of total rush to the skin, simplistic fucking thrills, even without the caffeine? I remember diving in fountains downtown Montgomery, 123 Coosa Street, Pajama Jammie Jams, shrooms, beer, and on and on, and hopping roof tops with Bobby Bowen…and being terrified but just going with the flow…or @ Hank William's grave... just touching the stone with a hint of reverence...and sharin beers…where yer like 16….Because that time to me was so specific. And heightened. That even now, I can hardly write about it. Because when I do, there's so much that is missing. The band room. Driving in my first car, red toyota corolla, and being so very enamored with Brian Hinton, and Josh, the morman hottie band mate. We had our space heater, white lights, and music. And that was heaven to me. Truly. Downtown Wetumpka, just me and Brian, slow dancing to Jimmy Hendrix, and the first I heard of Tracy Chapman's fast car.He smoked clove cigarettes and to this day it still makes my knees buckle.

I told him I was gonna move to New York and he didn't get it.

I remember being sad about that because he had introduced me to the allman brothers and well, if he didn't get it, well. (i dunno how to finish that sentence)..funny how much I edit myself. Over and over.

Mary's Pet Rock, Andy jackson, joe maracek, and those kinda things. These memories are a few of my favorite things….

Ever since I was pretty young I felt the need to keep an account of things….a journal of sorts…a hard and fast internal rule of keeping things that reminded me of the times I was happy. Because I felt I would disappear early….pass away youngish.

And dammit that sucks.

The hardest part of that notion and instinct with me has always been that it would upset my mama and Susie.

wouldn't it be nice?

If we could be honest. I mean really, really honest with certain aspects of our lives? How good would that feel? Imagine…pretty damn good.

Let's go with the idea that this is a series of phrases and ideas…moments in time that may or may not be fictional;) That was a wink.

Ok. Go:

Size does matter.

So does being witty.

And confident.

And not addicted.

Being unkind is the most disgusting quality I find in a person. And am still baffled by this

type of personality still existing and not being cancelled out by society. Call me naive, call me a musical theatre major, but I have the strongest conviction that there's good in everyone.

Being organized.

Being clean matters. When your space is messy (on all accounts, boo-ya) it's clear your head is a hot mess.

Truly engaging another person.

The last guy I dated never once gave me an orgasm.

I've had 12 in a row (not by that guy).

Smile. Seriously ya'll, smile.

Most asians should not drive ever.

I went there. If you were offended, well, you probably bump your head often, find Mitt Romney a valid candidate, and will stop reading before the end of this sentence.

Stereotypes exist for a reason: BECAUSE THEY ARE TRUE.

Never let a girl pay on a first date.

Chivalry does exist.

Ryan Gosling and Jon Hamm are the most attractive male celebrities by far at this moment in time.

Not having an inherit opinion on music = contributing nil to society and/or your DNA has a lazy eye.

Certainty. Never leave home without it.

Thoughts become things so dammit stop being so negative because I don't wanna hear it and no one else you know wants to either.

Loyalty is everything, so stop pretending it's not.

Gay men always favor big booby girls who know how to apply makeup.

Everyone knows those are hair extensions. Just have short hair, or be patient while it grows.

If you never had to have a job, and you consider yourself wealthy/successful, well stop fooling yourself. The only thing you succeeded in was that you won the MOST RANDOM lottery of being born in a first world nation.(sidebar: and had parents who decided to not challenge you because of their own guilt in their "difficult upbringing".)

Birds scare me.

And so do awkward men who dress like women. (because I start to get sad, and think how do you not know that you are trying so much harder than any living female around, to be feminine, and yet never are…. have bad wigs and nails, and very large feet.)

Men who eat alone make me cry.

Preaching atheism is as gross as preaching any other religion that ever existed. Not knowing this is the crux of ignorance.

Childhood is as good as it feels it gets.

The first man who truly loves you is your dad.

The only boy who will always love you is your son.

Social awkwardness is still, bless your heart, being awkward in relating to human beings.

…..and more. Funny how easy it is to censor yourself in your own tiny blog.