Long story short, short story long, those coupla years I wrote voraciously. It was as if his energy of writing in such a seemingly easy way had penetrated (whoopsy) my nervous system, and, well, I felt compelled to write. And write. And sing and write some more. I became more serious about studying guitar. It was flowing out of me. And is part of why I mostly prefer to only hang out with people who make me rise up to my very best without even knowing they are doing it.
They simply exist as these talented, intensely focused individuals who hold up a mirror and truly inspire us, as in not next week, month, year, but NOW.
Sidebar: seeing Ryan perform tonight after he hasn't been performing for about 4 years, and at such a venue as Disney, where the rules are strict and actually followed, and the drinks are friggin 12 bucks for a teeny tiny red wine ….was a bit hard to digest. I saw 2 pregnant, suburban-ish married women in the bathroom in the course of about 2 minutes. Yucky older guys in collared shirts, bad short haircuts and wives who equally came across as giving up on life and/or being unaware that they are stepping outside of the minivan for a public outing.
At the same time, damn how I am happy for you Ryan. Really really. By far one of the most charming, damn funny, sexy, and truly talented fellas I have ever met.
And the POINT I suppose I'm getting at is where is this tipping point?
How many folks out there are possibly as good as Ryan when they play alone, in their bedrooms, to themselves? The difference therein lies in the fear- the tipping point.
It's all the times I've been freely writing, inspired, and then the voice comes in: "well Kurt Cobain or Michael Stipe…or Dylan…or Ryan wrote their souls out on the page, digging in the trenches so that we might sit back and listen and say "that's my story."…" And then I put down my pen and coward away.
That's the difference, right there.
Now that Ryan is sober, and wow does it make a real breathtaking difference: in his vocals, temperament, and consistency as a musician…but it also has made him more fearful and naked. Funny how the fear creeps up EVEN when you've written a few desert island albums, Elton John and Keith Richards adore ya, and well on and on, and you stare at your shoes because you realize that being sober in this expressive, openly broken hearted way doesn't give you any guarantee of acceptance.
And there he is tonight, in his charming, self deprecating way, making fun of how he's here to sing sad songs about miserable heartbreak and they can all be "sung simply in A minor and singing the phrase "And I just wanted to be loved!!"
I want to challenge myself to ignore those damn annoying voices that shut me down from just the doing. I want to commit to digging in the trenches even more now. To just allowing, because lord knows Ryan does not sit there, as the words are flying out of him, and judge and correct. I know because I've been right there by his side as he writes. And writes. And makes it seem so easy. And it is. If you just don't fucking judge. Don't get me wrong now, of course he judges the details AFTER he's let it flow.
I can go to bed tonight, reliving tonight's performance. I literally felt I'd been through some emotional whirlwind. My body felt it and my eyes were wet. My friend who sat by me also felt what I felt: thrown into such specific times of Heartbreaker, hearing English Girls are Mean live…and some of Easy Tiger on the piano. Still had to just take a deep breath after writing that sentence.
Not for the sake of nostalgia, but for real emotions tied into his songs. Events, moments in time, minutiae, details, smells, ways of being in the world.
And as I said, per usual with Ryan, I am ever inspired, and this time it's reminding myself to finish these particular projects that I've shied away from because of early judgement of myself. Stop it. See the greatness before you. What's the difference from Ryan and anyone else you may perceive to be truly magical at what they do? What's the difference? Hours and mornings and months and years of persistence, and having such a force of knowing. That this must be done.
Screw all the naysayers. It's not even in the room.
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